Finding Out the Ninja Baby's Gender

Ninja Baby Profile

It's an interesting concept, finding out the gender of your baby. Our parent's and grandparents had to wait until the baby was born. Now we have all this insane technology that can measure the baby's bones, see inside the brain, heart and stomach. Many people I know have decided to forgo having their baby's gender revealed for a surprise at birth. I get this. And waiting is even more appealing when you add on top the unnecessary (in my opinion) pigeonholing that happens as soon as the gender is revealed. 

But for me there has been another piece of the story. For the first four months of my pregnancy I put all of my thought and energy into the well-being and then the loss of my mother. Most of the time not really even remembering I was pregnant. And for the past month, I have been all consumed about the pregnancy, always unsure of how it's progressing and if I'm making the right choices. Finding out the baby's gender felt like a grounding experience. Something that I can know about our baby. Something that can connect me. 

It has become somewhat of a joke in our house. Several peeks at the baby through ultrasound and the baby's legs have always been crossed.  Ninja is stubborn we say. (And I wonder to myself, are we already creating an identity for them?) This week we had our fourth ultrasound and the baby's legs were crossed again! But with two ultrasound technicians that were as patient and encouraging as possible and a bit of walking around, the baby finally revealed themselves! Baby Ninja is a girl. Not only is baby Ninja a girl, she is in the 58% for her size. I felt so grateful and relieved. I knew that I would be happy with either gender, and I am. It's such a strange feeling, but a lovely type of strange. Welcome baby Ninja, you are loved and you are perfect just as you are. 

XO,

M

The Last Little Bit, A Bump Plumps

I thought I'd put together a photo journal of the past six weeks. I think the photos can reflect changes where words sometimes fail. It's been both an exciting and difficult time. I continue to struggle with the loss of my mother, but am trying to focus on the little joys that occur every day. Thank you to everyone that reached out with kind words in response to my last post. I was encouraged and deeply touched to receive so much love. 

Nick and I work opposite schedules. So on Memorial day we enjoyed a day off together by visiting Chicago's Botanical Garden with our good friends and their adorable daughter. 

  Bump @ 18 weeks!

Anastasia flying high at the Botanical Gardens.

Super cutie family. 

We celebrated our 8 (together) and 2 (married) year anniversary.

Bump @ 21 Weeks!

Nick celebrating another happy year together. Me jealously eyeing his adult beverage (not pictured).  

Construction in the bedroom=slumber party in the living room! 

Alphie smiles. 

Asa hates the paparazzi! 

Nick has been working extremely hard all summer. And we really needed a break together. So we decided to take an extra long weekend and spend the 4th of July with his family in Michigan. 

4th of July fireworks. 

The best smile. 

 

Sights on our long walks.

Nick with his dad and sister. 

Sweet Darla

Bump @ 24 weeks! 

XO, M

A Pregnancy Story

This post is not just an update but a story about my pregnancy.  It's kind of a long story.

Anniversary Selfie

So, it's been a bit since my last post. I've had a hard time writing for a while. First, I found out at the end of February that I was pregnant. Great news! But I felt that I couldn't be my true, honest self if I were blogging but not yet revealing the pregnancy. Then in March I found out my mom was sick. The next couple of months I focused on her and her care. I was so distracted most of the time that I barely remembered I was pregnant. We lost my mom at the beginning of May.  Since then I've been grieving and trying to get back into my life. It has been really hard. 

I think writing might be a bit of getting back to my life. A bit I can do safely from my couch. So here's the story:

Thursday June 5, in a session with my therapist we are discussing my upcoming 20 week ultrasound. I had been terrified of this appointment. The consensus I got from everyone else was that the normal feeling should have been to be excited.   My therapist responded, "Mariah, I think you feel so guilty that you think you don't deserve a healthy baby".  And though I had not ever been conscious of it, I knew immediately she was correct. I didn't think I could get pregnant. I had no reason to believe this.  And now I realize I didn't think I deserved to get pregnant. Then I was terrified I'd loose the baby, then terrified the baby would not be healthy. All along not believing I deserved a healthy baby. I know logically we all deserve healthy babies, but I didn't feel worthy.   (I hope that I don't come off as not grateful or hurtful to those amazing women that are struggling with fertility and health issues.)

In addition to these feelings, I've developed some negative associations with doctors. Every single appointment for my mom was more heartbreaking and devastating than the last.  I think it's hard now to believe that good news can come from a doctor. 

Monday June  9, my anniversary with Nick. 7 am, I woke up, stood up and doubled over in excruciating pain. I couldn't stand or really walk.  Nick decided to work from home to take care of me and I tried to rest. 9 am, I called the doctor. 930 am, they call back. I'm still in terrible pain when I stand and sometimes when sitting. No other symptoms. They can't do anything for me. I have a 20 week ultrasound scheduled for tomorrow and an appointment with my doctor. Can it wait? If not, if it gets worse, or will not go away, I should go to labor and delivery where they can monitor me.  I don't know what is the right decision, and I'm scared. But I don't want to be that pregnant girl. I wait. 230 pm, it's not any better. I still can't stand for long. I tell Nick that I think I need to go to the hospital. We go. The labor and delivery staff are kind and reassuring. Nick is silly. He plays with every gadget he can get his hands on and jokes with the nurses. They monitor me for contractions. I'm not having them. They check the baby's heart rate, it's normal. They run blood and urine tests. An ultrasound gives us a glimpse of the baby. The doctor says that the baby looks good, no concerns. She thinks it might be a boy, but the legs are crossed, so she's not sure. My vitals are normal. The blood work and urine sample are normal. I'm still terrified. They take me down to have a different ultrasound to look at my appendix and ovaries. I'm told that my ovaries look good but the baby's in the way of the appendix. Nick, despite protest, makes my wheel chair do a wheelie. Nick makes me laugh. It hurts. Doctor comes back, she thinks my pain is normal ligament stretching but is concerned it's lasted all day.  They can't find anything wrong with me. They want to keep me over night. I decline. 9 pm, we go home. 

Hospital anniversary, Nick is showing off my arm band. 

Tuesday June  10, we head into our scheduled level 2 ultrasound. The pain is less today, I can stand and walk with only a bit of discomfort. The ultrasound tech is kind and upbeat. The baby's legs are still crossed, she thinks it's a girl, but she's not sure. The doctor comes in and continues the thorough ultrasound, pointing to every organ, the spine, the brain. The baby looks healthy. She has no concerns. We are told the ultrasound does not detect everything. But the baby looks good. After a few questions and brief exam she is also not concerned about my pain. 

I can't describe how my energy changed with this news. The weight in my body from months of fear melted down. I feel more connected to the ground below me. I love Nick so much for his unwavering support. I feel hope.  Hope is scary, but less scary than hopelessness. And I am grateful.  

XO,

M

Blog Writing // For Those That Asked

Inspiration station: caffeine and Buddhism

Since I started my blog a few people have spoken or messaged me expressing hopes to write their own blogs.  This is my attempt at sharing what I've learned (so far). When I started my blog I had an idea of what I did and didn't want. Below are my thoughts about what I decided is important. I think if you write, in any format, it would benefit you to think about how you want to represent yourself.  

1. I do not want to be negative. Not that it is all rainbows and sunshine over here. In fact it is quite regularly the opposite.  I don't think I paint everything with a rose colored brush.  I just don't focus on the negative. Negativity feeds negativity. And for me, I want to put positive thoughts back into the universe and into my life. 

2. Be myself. A good friend told me that reading my blog was like actually talking to me. Huge compliment. I know myself. I'm not a formal person with perfect writing skills, or an all the time energetic, bubbly person. There is nothing wrong with those qualities, they just aren't me. It's hard not to want to be liked when you put yourself out there. But I think it can be obvious (even in writing) when we are not our genuine selves. So, again, huge compliment.

3. Be kind. Writing that sparks good conversation is often controversial. A well written piece can really push peoples buttons. I have strong opinions and I want to stay true to that. But I also know my audience, and they are not random strangers. They are my family and friends. I never want to alienate someone I love. So it's kind of a balancing act for me.

4. Inspiration.  I suggest going with what you're interested in, not what you think others might want to read. I think this connects back to number two, be yourself. I've read some people keep a note book of ideas or do writing exercises to explore their interests. This may help you. Although ideas may not always be flowing, I tend to wait for one to come on it's own. But my motivation is not to make this my job, it's an outlet and way of connecting.  Professional bloggers work hard and spend hours a day on social media. If that's your end game be prepared to work. 

In the conversations that sparked this post I heard a bunch of different ideas and I love how each seemed to reflect the individual person. The suggestions above are what work for me. They may change, as I change. And you may find your inspiration leads you in a totally different direction. But whoever you are, and whatever you want to do, go for it.


PS.  If anyone would like to do a guest post on my blog please shoot me a message. I'd love to collaborate.

XO,

M 

Escaping Old Man Winter, Part 2

Here is the second installment of photos from Puerto Rico. If you like these you can see the first set of photos and description of the vacation here.

He is a lot of fun.

This baby sheep and a rooster (not pictured) woke me every morning. 

Surfers

Pedro, the restaurant's dog. 

I like how this digital picture turned out looking like over exposed film.

This cutie just walked on into our open door to check out the place. 

Front door of our cottage. 

Pretty eyed stray. 

Nick in Old San Juan.

Cobalt brick streets of Old San Juan.

Old San Juan was a the earliest Spanish settlement in Puerto Rico. The island is surrounded by fort walls. Here you can see the wall with large metal spikes. 

We didn't make it around even a 1/3 of the island because we had to make our flight. But I'd love to have spent more time exploring the forts on the island and eating Spanish tapas.

This kitty and her friends were all over in old San Juan. 

Last photo before we headed off to the airport.

Now I am home. As fun as the vacation was, the feeling of being happy to be home is even better.  I love being back to a place of appreciation. I lost that a bit (or a lot) before our trip. I think vacation has a way of putting some things in perspective. If you come home feeling refreshed and ready for life you're doing something right. If you come back with dread it may be time for a change (in my experience).  

XO,

M