~Disclosure: My depression in the past month has subsided. But residual yucky feelings remain. I write this to be true to myself. I hope that it helps bring me out from my hiding places and hopefully touches someone else in hiding too. I want to be the most open, honest and vulnerable person I can be. ~
Anger, Powerlessness, Shame, Fear, Love & Change
I've been going to therapy again since the end of June. I am one of the worst therapy clients I know. I've been seeing my therapist off and on for the past four years. Sometimes I miss appointments, sometimes I disappear for months at a time. I have at times purposely not disclosed my thoughts and actions. And when my mom got sick and passed way I didn't go back. I didn't go back until I heard myself one day lie to my doctor's face. Out of concern for my obvious sinking grief and subsequent depression she asked me what I was doing to self care. "Don't worry, I've been seeing my therapist." Complete lie. At that moment I knew I was in bad shape. So reluctantly I emailed my therapist and made an appointment. I know why I avoided going. I didn't want to say out loud how much pain I was in and I didn't want to be seen.
I've been going to therapy again for the past four months. Most of my sessions consist of me crying, verbalizing my fears of loss and my guilt and shame for not being the daughter I wish I was. Not being the person I wish I was. But there is something that I haven't been talking about. Something that I haven't been acknowledging to even myself until now. I have become an angry person. Last week I came home from work and said to Nick, "I have been so angry. I am so tired of being angry. This is not how I want to live my life." I've been thinking about my anger and all the feelings and thoughts that underlie. Below are those thoughts and feelings. Raw and open. I'm looking for a away to change. I hope this is a start.
My anger has taken on a life of it's own. In all things where I am powerless I am now angry. I am angry when some driver honks at me to go faster, or I feel slighted by someone, or when I receive another bill from BCBS even though Nick and I have called them a thousand times to cancel my mom's health insurance (that only was effective two days before she died). I seethe. I don't calm down. I don't recover for hours or days. It's freaking exhausting.
I'm kind of a control freak. I might be okay if I could just put everything where I think it needs to go, anticipate every disaster, cushion myself for the inevitable fall and rescue everyone I love at the same time. But that's not what has happened. What happened was I lost my mom. I have no control (very little) over this pregnancy and the world could take anyone I love at any time. I am powerless. This too makes me angry.
I don't deserve all the gifts I've been given. I am not worthy. Not a good enough person, daughter, sister, friend, partner. I don't deserve to be a mother. I deserve to loose everything I love. I shouldn't have been gifted them in the first place. Someone, somewhere made a terrible mistake. I am now angry at myself.
I assume that everything will turn out in some catastrophic way. That I need proof that things will be okay. There is never enough proof. The world is unjust. And I'm scared of my grief. I'm scared of the depth of my grief. The horrible place inside that it takes me. The physical pain it brings. So I hide and I am angry.
Oh my, the depth of love I have experienced in the wake of so much pain. I have friends that call, email, text and send cards from all over. That show up at my door with snacks, hugs and open hearts. That invite me out, time after time until I show up disheveled, weary, but out of my hiding place.
I have Nick who is constant in his love, without judgment, with respect and humor. He reshapes the world for me in such a beautiful way.
I have my family who remain available to me with love and pride in who I am, even though my first instinct is often to turn away instead of towards them.
And I have this beautiful Ninja baby. This baby that has already been the best thing to happen to me and my saving grace. If it weren't for her, I would have self destructed months ago. I know I would have drank too much, not taken care of myself and lost myself (much more so) into a world of the past. She keeps me in the present. I love this baby more than I ever knew possible.
The love I have received and the love I feel are enough. Enough to decide to be done with anger. At least the crippling, all consuming kind. Enough to be done expecting the worst. I am ready to change.
I said I wanted to change. I said I can't live like this. But how do I actually do that? It's freaking hard. Being angry, terrified and ashamed are exhausting. Living like that is hard. The only thing not hard is loving. So, I think change hides somewhere in there, in the love.
I am powerless. You are too. The most power I have in life is how I choose to treat myself and others. That's it. If I let go, could powerlessness turn to freedom instead of all the other icky feelings? Maybe.
Love and letting go. This is my starting place.
Truly, life is amazingly good. I have so many beautiful gifts. I am so grateful. And I am so honored. Grateful, honored and present. This is where I need to stay. Thank you to everyone who has been helping me get back here.